How to annoy characters from song of the lioness
by so perfect it hurts
Summary: this book is 10 ways to annoy all your favourite characters from song of the lioness. each chapter is a new character. hope you enjoy it. please review!
1. song of the lioness

**Part 1:**

**Song of the Lioness**

Warning: if you don't want to read your favourite characters

being made fun of do not read!


	2. Alana the lioness

**10 ways to annoy Alana the lioness **

**disclaimer:** (i have been told to make these interesting. but how?......)

**me: yay! my first chapter of my first fan fiction!**

**alana: oooo! whats it about?**

**me: um..... you.**

**alana: oooo i love fan fictions about me! did you make sure you wrote a disclaimer?**

**me: yes. i said that "i do not own tamora pierce of claim any credit for her books" (even though i should be able to...)**

**alana: thats good**

**me: yes i hope that every one likes my fan fiction!**

**here goes!**

10.) ask her how it feels to be only a few cm above a legal midgit.

9.) politely explain that red contacts over blue eyes to make them appear purple is never going to become a craze and she should just give up now

8.) Wonder aloud if the Shang dragon only likes her because he thought she was a boy and that's why he got so upset when she wore a dress.

7.) Ask her if she became a knight just to prove to Thom she was better then him at something. Then ask her if she feels better now that the **superior** twin is out of the way.

6.) Tell her you are a messenger from the gods and that she actually isn't the great mothers chosen daughter, it was all a mix up she was actually meant to die instead of Ralon during her years of a page, could the great mother have her coal token back, oh and if possible kindly jump in front of a stampeding horse to rectify the mistake ASAP during the next few weeks.

5.) take a picture of her expression after the above has been done and send it to George, the prince, her desert tribe oh and just about everyone else she knows

4.) Ask Alana to recount all her adventures then remark in a nonchalant tone of voice that she must be a magnet for trouble and you have to leave now as you suddenly remember an important job you didn't do. Kindly tell everyone else your observation and warn them not to talk to her for approximately 5 days. When Alana asks you why no one is talking to her pretend you know nothing.

3.) Race into wherever she is, point to her and shout that she is a witch and must burn at the stake. Then leave. Fast. Do this over the course of the next few weeks at random times. perhaps for variation shout "off with her head!"

2.) Tell her that the dominion jewel was only a ruse to get her out of the desert because her tribe was getting sick of having her around

1.) inform her loud enough for every one to hear that **real** knights don't sleep with their knight masters when they are squires

**Warning if she threatens you with a sword run away fast…**


	3. prince Jonathon

**10 ways to annoy Jonathon of Conté**

**disclaimer: **

**me: yay! second chapter of my fan fiction!**

**alana: whats this chapter called?**

**me: 10 ways to annoy jonathon.**

**alana: that sounds interesting.... wait. what was my chapter called?**

**me: ......um.... (looks wildly for exit...any exit... **notices window**)**

**alana: WHAT WAS IT CALLED!!!!!!!!!**

**me: um.... well it was a lovely chapter with a disclaimer and all saying that i don't own tamora pierces works or anything...**

**alana: WHAT WAS IT CALLED!!!!!**

**me: (edges towards window) well.... it was called.... ooo have i mentioned i like your hair today?**

**alana: what was it CALLED?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**me: (now at window... preparing to jump) um...well... 10 ways to annoy... alana the lioness.... (jumps out window)**

**alana: (catches me by ankles... pulls me in) now. you. die!**

**me: arrrrgggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!! gasp gurgle.....**

**here goes**

10.) Follow him around constantly curtsying. When he complains inform him "it was the trap he was born into." Laugh.

9.) At every possible opportunity remind him that Alana chose a low bred thief over him, a prince. Wonder aloud what major flaw the prince has that could make this happen.

8.) After saying the above phrase about 50 times invite George over for dinner. Bring popcorn

7.) ask him a million times before he takes a bite of food if he is sure he wouldn't like a taste tester

6.) Tell him Thayet has been cheating on him. When he asks with whom refuse to tell him. When he threatens a dire death reluctantly inform him that he has been bested by … (pause for effect) the voice of the tribes! Inquire if purple is the natural colour of his face.

5.) Ask him if he is enjoying being a grandpa… need I say more?

4.) Inform him that having a sexual relationship with a squire is just plain wrong (bordering on paedophile-ness) no matter what gender and he should be ashamed!

3.) Continuously call him Joanna no matter how many times he says its Jonathon

2.) Ask him how he feels about the fact that Alanna has a nick name and he doesn't. Imply that this means Alana is better. Lock them in a room together with swords. Bring popcorn, chocolate and pretzels.

1.) Ask him if by wearing a big crown he is compensating for something…


	4. duke Rodger

**10 ways to annoy Rodger of cont****é**

Aka 10 ways to die

**disclaimer: **

**me: yay! third chapter!!!!!!**

**Alana: whats this one called? **

**me: oh 10 ways to annoy Rodger**

**alana: DUKE RODGER, rodger?**

**me: yyyeeeeeeeeeeesssss..........**

**Alana: the rodger that tried to kill me?!?!?!**

**me: well i never wrote that... i can't claim acknoledgement for her or any of her works...**

**Alana: ooo you are so dead!!!**

**me: (once again looks wildly for an exit... any exit... deja vu) (see's a door)**

**Alana: (starts walking forward with a sword)**

**me: (dashes** **wildly for the door) im sorry. i didn't mean it.... well... i did. see, its pretty funny....**

**Alana: (grabs clothes drags me back in) **

**me: GASP....gurgle.....**

**wow that was a pretty bad death.... well her goes!**

10.) constantly ask him how it feels to be beaten by a girl…..twice

9.) Laugh at him because Thom's gift was bigger. And he knew it.

8.) Laugh at him and call him the bad guy because he always lost. Appear to change your mind about the last sentence and say that the mentally retarded don't come up with good world domination plans. Look pointedly at him. Laugh.

7.) Wonder out loud why none of his plans work and then add he must be OCD about Alana to try so hard.

6.) Mention casually he must have a thing for Alana if he pretended to die just so she could prove she was a better swordswoman. Add that he must be gay because at the time he thought Alana was a boy. Watch him splutter. Laugh. Eat popcorn.

5.) Insist that he actually did die and Thom actually did bring him back to life. Add that is why he smells so bad.

4.) Come up to him and randomly ask what he and Cedric Digory from harry potter have in common. When he says he doesn't know say: you both suck at staying alive and harry potter is way cooler then both of you! Refuse to elaborate when he asks you what the hell you mean.

3.) Casually ask him if he tried to kill the queen because he had a thing for the king (his uncle) remark that the crown would have been easier to get that way.

2.) Tell him that only girls design and/or are interested in jewellery. Suggest he must have a sentimental attachment to jewellery if he puts his gift into every piece. Laugh..... Run. Fast.

1.) Inform him in a loud voice that voodoo is an exact art and he must be very clever as the fountain trick was pure genius. When he starts thanking you/ boasting add to the end of your that must be why he had to hire lesser magicians to do the trick for him.

**It is suggested that you do not leave any part of you around (hair, blood etc) that Rodger could use for voodoo just to prove you wrong.**


	5. George

**10 ways to annoy George**

**disclaimer:**

**me: phew! a new chapter!**

**Alana: (asking warily) whos this one about?**

**me: George.**

**Alana: MY HUSBAND!?**

**me: yep! (runs away)**

**Alana: there is absolutly nothing that excuses you from this one! not even saying you have no ownership of tamora pierce or any of her works.**

**me: (silence)**

**SPLASH!!!!!**

**Alana: what the hell!?**

**me: (coming out dripping wet.) ok. ok. i guess it was stupid to think that a human can fit through a toilet...... just get it over with**

**Alana: well it wasn't the smartest thing you ever did certainly**

**Me: GASP..... gurgle....**

**ok! onto the story!**

10.) Constantly read the parts of the song of the lioness that involve Jonathon and Alana in bed, kissing etc. laugh.

9.) Send him an official message saying that Alana has died. A little while later send another letter to him saying you were only joking and Alana is alive and kicking.

**At this point it is recommended that you have some kind of protection against daggers, bare hands, arrows, poison, curses or any other harmful magic etc.**

8.) Offer to tell his future, stare at him for a long time… suddenly gasp really loud, look horrified. Refuse to explain what will happen. When he threatens to kill you admit you actually can't tell the future, and the person he would be looking for would be Alice the vampire. Refuse to explain what the hell you mean.

7.) Steal all his daggers and hide them under his bed. Convince him you through them in the river. Crack up when he spend hours diving for them in the freezing water.

6.) Continuously laugh at the irony that because he and Alana didn't let Ali spy for Tortal she ran away and ended up as the spy master for an enemy country.

**For those of you who haven't read tricksters choice or queen Ali is Alana's and Georges daughter.**

5.) Two words… Ali slash.

4.) Mention that it took a crow turned man for Ali to find her true love. Wonder aloud what this says about her…

3.) Ask him if the love potion he is feeding Alana is going to run out any time soon. (you should know the drill by now: bring popcorn, take a picture and run. Fast.)

2.) Ask him politely if it is awkward kissing someone who is just a few centimetres taller then a legal midget.

1.) get the kid from "home alone" to come and drop stuff on his head.


	6. Thayet

**10 ways to annoy Thayet**

**disclaimer:**

**me: yay! Thayet is done!**

**Alana: you are a horrible person you know that?**

**me: .... im just having fun. and people like to read them. and review** (hint hint)

**alana: that is no reason - **

**---- oooooo a bumble bee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ----**

10.) Build a monkey enclosure right next to her bedroom. Sell tickets to commoners, wake the monkeys up, and laugh as Thayet tries to shoot them.

9.) Constantly remind her about the expensive pretty pink tissue dress. Tell her to change next time. Laugh. Avoid strangling hands

8.) Tell her Jonathon is well enough but Robert Paterson sparkles!

7.) Steal her crown and parade around in a circle singing rude songs about Jonathon, the palace, Thayet her self….

**Note: if you cannot come up with any ideas. I'm sure the local travelling musician will help.**

6.) Inform her that the wig she is wearing is very realistic!

5.) Tell her that Buri must be "dedicated" to follow her everywhere. Even into exile

4.) Send Norman bates (psycho) after her. (Here's hoping he feels a strong reaction.) Bring popcorn.

3.) Pretend she has a really strong hill billy accent and repeat everything she says using it.

2.) Tell her the people who say she is the most beautiful person in the world obviously haven't met any female vampires.

1.) ask her if she has any idea that jonathon slept with at least three other people before her. including his current champion. inform her that delila of eldorne was much prettier.

**it is probably advised that you are not within bow range while doing some of these.**

**im sorry about my disclaimer - got a little distracted there - any way! on with the disclaimer!!!!!!!!!!**

**Alana: that is no reason to go ruining peoples day(s) or their self eesteem for that matter!**

**me: i'm sorry but....**

**Alana: well did you write a disclaimer?**

**me: well i started but...**

**Alana: WHAT! you didn't write a disclaimer!!!!!**

**Me: no not yet but...**

**Alana: well what are you going to say?**

**me: um sorry?**

**Alana: *sighs* its like talking to a three year old... no, what are you going to say in your disclaimer.**

**me: oh. um. the usual. you know, i don't own tamora pierce or any of her works. you know, all that stuff.**

**Alana: can we get to the bit where i get to kill you now?**

**me: what! thats not fair.... we were having a nice conversation... and besides. you have to give me some time to find and try an excape.**

**Alana: ...... fine! you get 10 seconds...9...8...**

**me:** (looks wildly for an exit... any exit. deja vu)** hmmm.....** (notices trapdoor)

**Alana: 5...4...3...**

**me:** (lunges for trapdoor, manages to open it, jumps) **nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! **(feels shap pain on head)

**Alana: hehehehehe!** (pulls poor _so perfect it hurts_ up by her hair...)** lalalala i win again...**

**me: would the Alana in the song of the lioness even say that?!?**

**Alana:** (pauses)** no probably not.... but i don't care.**

**me: gasp..... gurgle....**


	7. Thom

**10 ways to annoy Thom**

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: yay! Thom's chapter is done!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Alana: you did my brother!!!!!! **

**Me: where the hell did you come from?**

**Alana: you always come to this room when you finish your chapters**

**Me: oh yeah…… I should probably change my habits.**

**Alana: yeah probably. You know for this disclaimer I thought we could do something a little different.**

**Me: yeah?**

**Alana: I was thinking that maybe instead of me killing you all the time… **

**Me: you would let me live!?!?!?!?!?!?**

**Alana: No! You think I'm stupid!? I was thinking that maybe we could sing the disclaimer in song. If you do well I will give you a head start on running away. If you do badly…….**

**Me: gulp! Do I really have a choice?**

**Alana: no. not really.**

**Me: ok then here goes! (Singing)**

**I don't own Tamora pierce**

**Alana the lioness is really fierce**

**I also don't own Tamora's work**

**This song makes me look like a jerk!**

**Me: ok I'm pretty sure I'm going to run now….**

**Alana: yea. That would probably be a pretty good idea…..**

**Me:** notices chimney…….

**I'll let you work out what happens…..**

10.) Tell him Rodgers gift was always bigger. And he knew it.

9.) Ask him if he tried to make his gift bigger because he was compensating for something

8.) Invite Si-champ over for dinner. Bring popcorn

7.) Laugh at the irony that he raised Rodger from the dead but looks like the one who just crawled out from the grave.

6.) Ask him if his temperature is his idea of a joke because it is obviously the only way that he can ever be HOT…

5.) Dig out the old speech about how red contacts on blue eyes do NOT make them purple and purple eyes will NEVER be a statement!

4.) Tell him that purple is a GIRLS colour and you don't blame him for taking drastic measures to try and change the colour of his gift.

3.) As he walks past ask him who the hell he thinks he is. Alana is the god touched one. Does he have a magic coal or a supernatural cat?

2.) Constantly follow him around calling him Alana. Refuse to call him anything else. Make comments about him and Jonathon or George in bed.

1.) Ask him if Alana was the only person he ever really loved who was that strange men you saw sneaking out of his room the other night?


	8. Liam Ironarm

**10 ways to annoy Liam Ironarm (Shang dragon)**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: well this is the last one. I really had fun writing this. Oh well! After this I can go onto the protector of the small characters, and the immortal characters and who knows maybe even Beka cooper series and the circle opens.**

**Alanna: you really know no shame do you?**

**Me: what?**

**Alanna: ….. I should warn those poor people… are you going to put disclaimers in your next books?**

**Me: of course! It will say the same sort of thing, you know, that I don't own Tamora pierce, her works and her characters. There will probably be a new character for the disclaimer though.**

**Alanna: **(visibly brightens)** oh that's good! I would hate to have to come and kill you in all the other books!**

**Me: …….. **

**Alanna: any way I was thinking…. Seeing as though it's the last one we should probably do something special… but what!?**

**Me: well I saw this great show about a bear riding a unicycle! ....**

**Alanna: um. No.**

**Me: 007 theme?**

**Alanna: no.**

**Me: chocolate!**

**Alanna: tempting…. But. No.**

**Me: Disney?**

**Alanna: what the hell is that?**

**Me: oh. It hasn't been invented yet…. Never mind**

**Me: naked mole rat!**

**Alanna: ok. Now you're just getting weird.**

**Me: well I don't see YOU coming up with any ideas **(looks miffed)

**Alanna: well if you would just listen…..**

**Me: does it have anything to do with swords?**

**Alanna: no.**

**Me: does it have anything to do with fire?**

**Alanna: no.**

**Me: I'm not eating fire!**

**Alanna: of course not.**

**Me: if you are imagining me juggling swords while eating fire and accidentally setting my hair on fire you can forget it now!**

**Alanna: awwwwwwww……..**

**Me: what ever. You know maybe we should just get to the bit where I try to escape and you try to foil it and we will see if I can maybe get away this time!**

**Alanna: ooo! That's my favourite part!**

**Me: (looks desperately for an exit for the last time….) notices a rickety bridge alight with fire over a bottomless chasm with two giant trolls guarding it….**

**I'm pretty sure by now you have some vague inkling of what will happen… I don't really have to tell you do I? Fine… I'll give you a hint**

**Me: aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Gasp…… gurgle**

On with the story!

10.) Ask him if he thought Alana was a boy and that's why he was so upset when she wore a dress

9.) Continuously perform magic in front of him

8.) Ask him if the pock marks on his face are meant to represent dragon scales

7.) Every time he is hurt ask him if he is sure he doesn't want a healer

6.) Ask him if he spits fire like a real dragon.

5.) Politely ask him if he was aware dragons were magical creatures. Bring a camera. Take a photo of his face. Or a video. Then you can watch it again… and again…. By the time you are done you should be out of popcorn!

4.) When he got his future told. If the most interesting thing was that he would know when he was going to die, he can't have had a very interesting future.

3.) Wonder aloud that if pale green is the colour of his eyes when he was flirting… why were they that colour when he was looking at Coram?

2.) Haughtily inform him that baby lions are called CUBS! Not kittens.

1.) And to finish off with a well used but timeless classic able to be used to annoy ANY character: ask him if he became a Shang dragon because he was compensating for something.


	9. the dramatic finish!

**Ok! So that's the end of my first fan fiction. I really hope you liked it!**

**I had a lot of fun and –**

**Alana: it's about time you finished! Enough of the boring soppy stuff. You will put the poor people to sleep**

**Me: that's not fair… I needed to say thankyou to them for sticking with me…**

**Alana: you could at least say it interestingly.**

**Me: but…but…**

**Alana: ……. Ok listen. I realise you are fairly young **(mental capacity of a three year old)** but surely even you….**

**Me: well how would you do it!?**

**Alanna: something like this. **(Cough, cough)

**Ok! Listen up people! The author here has something to say:**

**She would like to thank you for sticking by her.**

**Me: that sounds alright. Can you tell them – **

**Alanna: you don't need to tell me…. Let Alana work her magic.**

**Me: the gift?**

**Alana: no my speaking – oh never mind**

**Alanna: **(continuing on from before)

**So perfect it hurts would appreciate it if you would review and give her with ideas for other story characters.**

**She hopes you enjoyed it and says thankyou again!**

**Me: wow… actually not bad….**

**Alanna: never forget that I am older, stronger, smarter, bigger and better then you and there is nothing you can do about it!**

**Me: ……….. (Can we add bully to that)**

**Alanna: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!**

**Me: nothing. Nothing!**

**Alanna: …. Hmm well don't let me catch you saying anything about me ever again!**

**Me: no lioness. (Just you wait… I'll erase you from all my fan fictions…)**

**Alanna: that's IT! **

**Me: (whimper) um… what's it?**

**Alanna: you. dead!**

**Me: ooo! Are we speaking caveman now!? You. Going. Die! **

**Alanna: grrrrrrrr!**

**Me; me. Run…..**

**Alanna: that would be a VERY good idea.**

**One last time for old time sake**

**Me: **(looks desperately around for an exit… any exit) (notices a sword lying on the ground.) (Picks it up)** don't come any closer!!!!!**

**Alanna: (laughs) ha! You really are funny you know that!?**

**Me: huh!?... No I'm serious!**

**Alanna: fine! Prepare to die!**

**Me: (**why don't I just lie down in front of her and make it easier)

**Alana: **(swings in with sword)

**Me: **(blocks sword) (swings back)** yea. I can't see how I'm going to win this one… **(Notices shoe lace is undone, bends down to tie it up)

**Alanna: **(swings) (jams sword in wall)** stupid thing!**

**Me: ha! I can win!!!!!!! **

**Steps back. I can't do it. If I killed you there is no way you could star in any other Tamora pierce books…**

**Alanna: more for me then **(swings sword)

**Me: no wait! aaaaarrrrrggggg!!!!!!! GASP…. Gurgle….**

**Ok. Um sorry about that…**

**Yea like Alanna said thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate all the reviews. I really do welcome any ideas for future books. And although I have mostly avoided any criticism so far I would like any pointers on how to improve my fan fiction.**

**if any of you aure interested this is the website for my next book .net/s/5401681/1/ways_to_annoy_characters_in_protector_of_the_small**

**Thanks!**

**_Perfect out!_**


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